What Was It Like to Realize the Path You Were On, Prior to Your Stroke, Was Not the One for You?

I was alive, but not living. I was go go go, but I was so tired. I was just tired of people, animals, things, etc. I wanted out. I was working at Verde Valley School as an Advancement Assistant. An Advancement Assistant by my boss's terms was a fundraising fanatic who could post on social media while loving on alumni. I was good at it. I worked about 30 hours a week there. And, I loved it. It just felt like home. I also volunteered with TAAF, The Aneurysm, and AVM Foundation. I volunteered with them in their TAAF 4 Kids section, doing all things social media, answering emails, holding TAAF talks, and more. I spent about five to ten hours per week with TAAF. Then, I was working for Melissa who owned Libra Forensic Consulting. I would help her by hosting Bloodstain Pattern Analysis workshops. These were hosted all over the United States, and they were done for cops and forensic personnel. The course was 40 hours long, and boy, it was difficult. I only had about one of those every two to three months. Lastly, I co-own Sedona Picnics. My Mom, along with myself, were just snacking on a charcuterie board one night and she was like “why aren't we doing this?” - and that was the beginning of Sedona Picnics. Now, we do them at least once per week. They are so much fun, and they sprung from us enjoying our charcuterie boards. So, I was doing that, which took up about ten hours per week. All of that was my life. Go Go Go.

And I was still living at home, with my two dogs, Moose and Gracie. But, I was moving out to go to law school. Law school?!?! I know, I did it, I got into law school! I was going to the Sandra Day O’Connor Law School at Arizona State University. I was so proud of myself.

The week prior to my head explosion I was in Los Angeles, California. I was doing a Bloodstain Pattern Analysis class with Melissa. I didn't feel well. I couldn't put my finger on it, I just didn't feel like myself. I facetimed my mom and I started bawling my eyes out that I did not feel well. She probably figured I was on my period, and I just missed home. Little did she know, my brain was screaming for help. Friday came and I was so excited to go home. I knew that I just had one more night. The next morning, Saturday, we went home. Nothing could get me home quick enough. When she dropped me off with all of my stuff, and I laid down on my bed, it felt good to be home. I went to sleep that night not knowing what would happen the next day.

I woke up that morning drained. I figured it was from the Bloodstain Pattern Analysis class. I had to work that day, it was our school's graduation. It was a Sunday, and the graduation was at 5:00 pm. I got there around 2:00 p.m. - sluggish. I said hi to my friends and co-workers. Galen said “Hi!” and probably thought that I was irritated and fatigued. I was walking around putting bags on our graduation chairs when I knew I didn't feel good and I knew that there was something wrong. I texted my mom “I feel dizzy and my arm is numb” at 4:58 pm. The rest, I don't remember. I don't remember for a whole month. I don't remember my craniotomy. I don't remember my angiograms. I don't remember anything.

I don't remember anything from ICU. I start to remember my inpatient rehab. I remember that I was allowed to have visitors from 8 am in the morning til 8 pm at night, and my mom was there every day. Except for one day, she was up in Sedona hosting a picnic. I didn't remember that we had a picnic business, but I thought that it was super cool. Other than that, she was there for me. She was there for me to help me go to the bathroom, to go to Speech Therapy, and to just love on me. I remember her bringing me Rita's Water Ice. If you don't know what water ice is, you need some help! Everyone around me - the nurses, the PT therapist - we’re beyond helpful. I would pee the bed because I didn't know how to ask for help. I would fall because I didn't know I couldn't walk. I didn't know anything. I couldn't remember my mom's name. I kept calling her Renee, my aunt's name. I got flowers and cards, so many flowers and cards. But, I just wanted to get out of there. It was like I was in a prison. Which I know is being very dramatic that's my theater background, but it seriously was.

I told my mom that I was leaving. She didn't believe me at first, but I was serious. I told her I wanted to get out of there to go back home. Once I got her on board with my decision, we headed home. It felt so good to be back home, I was alive and living. Even though I was in a wheelchair, I couldn't remember my last name, or ask to go to the bathroom properly - I was home.

I was going to Speech, PT therapy, and OT therapy four times a week at Barrows in Phoenix. Now, that is two hours away, and then two hours back. Don't get me wrong, I would just sleep the whole time in the car, but it was exhausting. I would have to wake up and do it all over again. This went on for at least two weeks, and then I was done. I started looking up places in Sedona. I didn't think that I'd have much luck, but boy, was I wrong.

Cheri was my PT therapist. Cheri was a badass, yet she had a comforting sweetness to her. She made me work hard, sometimes I would just want to give it all up, but she wouldn't let me. We went for walks, we played ball, and we did the sled push - that damn sled push.

Then there was Matt, my Speech therapist. When I tell you I couldn't talk, I'm serious, I couldn't speak properly. I didn't know what I was saying, my words were all jumbled up, I said “where are my pants?” for “when is lunch?”. I was a hot mess. I still have some aphasia, but it has gotten so much better. For that, I have Matt to thank.

Lastly, I have my OT therapist, Mark. Who even knew that OT therapy was a thing? Occupational Therapy is everything from the hips up. We started out doing whole upper body exercises, then we got to my arm, then fine motor skills. Anyone who I can recommend to an OT therapist, I will recommend to Mark. Hands down. I am so grateful to him.

I am so appreciative to all of my therapists. Mallory, Monica, Jason - were all therapists that I got to have along my journey. I am bursting with gratitude!

I went on my first trip without my Mom this past year. I was really nervous, but also so excited to see the world. It was about a year after my explosion, and the Gamma Knife hadn’t done its full duty yet, I still had residual AVM left. But, what the heck, I'm supposed to be living my life to the fullest! So, I decided I wanted to go. I had gone post-stroke to Southern California, Las Vegas, Lake Tahoe - but, I hadn’t flown. I was pretty anxious. I went with my Mom-mom and Pop-pop up back to New Jersey. I was there for over a month, and it was honestly so amazing. My Mom-mom and Pop-pop took me down to Cape May, I went to the beach with my aunt, I went to a Philadelphia Phillies baseball game, I got to go to the Mountain House and explore the area around it - it was incredible.

So now I get to walk every day, I get to talk to people at The Spa of Sedona, I volunteer at the Sedona Heritage Museum, I play with Moose and Gracie, I help make charcuterie boards for Sedona Picnics, I go to the farmers market, I go to Sedona Hot Yoga - I am fulfilled.

The path I was on was not the one for me. I was stressed out all of the time. I was exhausted. I was anxious. I was fatigued. I just wasn't happy. And isn't that what we all came here for? To be happy.

Now, I am here. I am in the present moment. I am living the best life that I possibly could. And, sometimes it takes a tragedy, to make something magnificent.